For When You Need a Good Cry

I personally enjoy crying. Not that dab-your-eyes, trying to alternate being widening them and squinting to soak the tears back in because you are watching a movie with your emotion-free husband and it's not even that sad kind of crying. I think that crying over something truly sad is healthy and cathartic and unites us as humans. I have never had a hard time crying. I remember as a child I would sometimes lay in bed and think about the saddest things, and I could create such vivid pictures that I would inevitably end up in tears, burst into my parents' room and sob "I thought about you dying!" thereby win myself a free pass to sleep with them. I'm a sensitive soul. 

So when I come across blog posts that are truly heart breaking, I save them. Not for any purpose other than to read again and empathize and cry for a little bit. I feel like having a baby made me even more of a sissy, since now I have another heart to break. But I think I will share with you some of my links. 

Sad things happen to everyone, but there are people who capture the sad so well, it is beautiful and worth reading in a way that simply hearing about a tragedy may not be. 

This first one came from a blog where mothers share their birth stories, most of which were at home or done naturally, and all end pretty much the same way - with chubby, screaming, organically-raised babies. This mother went into labor at 23 weeks, her baby only weighing a little more than a pound. Her strength and humor in the story really touches me, as does her faith. I could just hear the words to "This is My Father's World" as I read the end. 

The next one is a blog that Natalie follows. It is so beautiful and touching, every post is a masterpiece. A woman's journey through losing her husband and raising her two children alone. The romance and sweet simplicity of those post has brought it to mind so many times. 

The last one is such a terrible tragedy, such a preventable loss, that it just about scared me to death. The grief of losing a child compounded with the shock of how easily it could happen to any child, in any house in the world, makes this such a haunting, compelling post. This is also a call to action, and I hope those reading it do what they can to protect their own sweet children.

I feel close to all these women because I have cried with them and for them, and I love the way they have reacted and grown from their loss. I only hope that in the face of such pain, I can use words to untangle the knots of my soul and let the tears flow. 

SAN ANTONIO

YES. We are finally here and it is all that we dreamed of and more.

Leaving Utah - Bleary Eyed but Motivated

The trip down here was a little ridiculous. We planned on taking two very long days worth of driving and then having the weekend to settle in, but then we were told that we would only be reimbursed for 350 miles of driving a day. So we spent four 5 hour days and lazily ambled down to San Antonio. We stayed in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, which sounds like a cool western town, but was indeed named after the game show, and went to church in the tiny hamlet of Fort Stockton, TX. We listened to 1.25 John Grisham novels and ate lots of Mexican food. We got stopped at a border checkpoint and Luke accidentally told them we were immigrants. It was so weird to pull up to our hotels at 3 or 4 in the afternoon rather that 1 or 2 AM which is generally what my family does whilst traveling.

When we got here, it was 70 degrees and humid. Our apartment complex is in the northern part of San Antonio, but still pretty close to the base where Luke works. It is really nice, with three pools, a big duck pond, a gym, and lots and lots of animals. Not being a pet person myself, I have come to find that most people who would pay extra to live in a place that allows pets seem to be decent people.

We got in on a Sunday night, and the movers came Monday morning. They unloaded all our stuff and were gone before noon. Have you ever had someone else pack and unpack your stuff before? It's really nice, except that anything even semi-breakable is wrapped in 10 giant sheets of paper and what you thought was a rolling pin, after so many layers, ends up being a bottle of tobasco sauce. Our living room was totally full of paper after I unpacked my jarred fruit and dishes, and Ivy was in heaven. There were several times when she buried herself in paper and we could only find her by watching a little rustle here and there, traveling through the pile.

Now we have been here for about a month, and it's been great. We love the Riverwalk, which is packed with tourists most nights, but we are pretty much tourists too, so we aren't discriminating. We like our new ward, which is chock full of babies for Ivy to steal toys from, and we live .6 miles away from the library. I have been on a major reading kick. Maybe I'll write about that later.

One of my favorite things about living here is our complex. Our apartment itself is good - large, though the appliances are all old. But our complex is awesome. Three pools, a big pond, and all the ducks you could ever want to feed.

These ducks are fearless.

And we got a crib for Ives!

Julia and Ivy, Christmas morning

For Christmas, we went to Nick and Nadine's house in Dallas. It was so great to have family relatively close by. Ivy's first Christmas!

And now we are gearing up for Mikelle's wedding, looking forward to our trip to Utah. We also have tentative plans to spend Spring Break in Florida with Eric and Andy. Life is good.

On The Horizon

Finally, finally, and finally we are moving. Within the next three weeks, the movers will come and take our stuff, Luke will go to Maryland and learn what the heck this job is, and we will drive down to San Antonio and find a non-scary place to live within a reasonable amount of time. Hours, I hope.

We found out we were moving before Ivy was born, and now she's a little lady that sits up in the tub all by herself. Practically grown up! I know I haven't been blogging much, and part of that is because it's hard to keep beating the stay positive drum when you are waiting and waiting for your life to start. Which is I think why my Facebook posts have all been very snarky lately. I don't hate people who think mustaches are (still) cool. Nor do I hate people who are grateful for stuff. I'm incredibly grateful for stuff.

I'm grateful for patience. The best things in my life have made me crazy with waiting. I think of all the ins and outs that led me to Luke, the 9 months of obsessive anticipation that resulted in Ivy, and now the year of days that mostly ended with some variation of "I'm sure we'll hear something soon" that is finally concluding with a job.

I'm grateful for the sanding and polishing effect that marriage has had on me. It hasn't been hard. But Luke is the river to my rock, slowly carrying away little pieces of my stubbornness and selfishness, and I find myself emerging, just shy of 17 months of marriage, smoother, brighter, and totally content. I'd always thought that marriage would be a rough ride since I can be demanding and high maintenance, but Luke's generous and guileless nature disarmed me completely. His willingness to always put me first makes me see how much my rebelliousness was borne of insecurity - a real lack of belief that love could be unconditional.

I'm grateful for the stretch marks and permanently widened hips of pregnancy. Not because I look at those things and think "Mommy loves you, Ivy" (I don't think I will ever have an inner dialogue where I address myself as "Mommy), but because having a baby has granted me a glimpse into something bigger. Something that transcends my body and even transcends Ivy. A life that doesn't embrace the sacrifice of all things is not worth living, and I will never apologize for what I sacrificed, and I would do it again.

I am truly, truly grateful.

Just Awkward

Luke and I, at the urging of his parents, decided to get some family pictures taken before we head to Texas. JC Penney was doing this promotion where you don't have to pay sitting fees and you get a free 8 by 10 for family pictures. So I made an appointment and bought some purple skinny pants and tried to get some coordination going on and we headed to the portrait studio.

In today's world, everyone knows someone who is handy with a camera, willing - even eager - to snap a few pictures for you at little or no cost. Hence the general vibe of engagement, wedding, and family pictures has been more natural - generally outdoors, lots of candid shots, and plenty of options to choose from. My own wedding was done this way, and I was totally thrilled with it. Chad Keyes, who was more of a friend of a friend at the time, did such a perfect job.

AHHHH. Maybe that's why this contrived, drab, uncomfortable little photo shoot was and has since been the point of much groaning and laughter by Luke and myself. In the days following, Luke has only to say, "Remember those pictures?" and I just moan or laugh or pull them up on my computer for just one more painfully hilarious journey though each and every staged and strained image. I received an email today letting me know that the free 8 by 10 we ordered is available for pick-up. No thanks. Just...no.

If you want to see for yourself, I'll email you an invite to the exclusive viewing club. For the rest of you, I am getting Chad to take new and improved family pictures next week, and I have high hopes. He is the best.

Other news: The movers are coming in 19 days and we are officially leaving this state in less than a month. Ivy hates her carseat more than you hate anything, but we are going to try to make a vacation out of the 4 day drive to San Antonio.

I bought my ticket to Spokane for Christmas. "For Christmas" is a general term, however, because to get the best price (and it was a great price) I had to book a flight that arrives December 18th and one that returns January 7th. I am going to be in Spokane for 3 weeks! A week after our move!

Now here's some pictures of Ivy/St. Ives/Crazy Ivan.

 She loves garbage cans. I feel like she loves anything that is not a toy.

 Halloween! (and, let's be honest, she's going to wear this on Christmas, too)

 This was shortly before she put the cat's ear in her mouth.

Luke wearing his dad's old suit, Ivy being a cookie, and me carrying around a rolling pin for like 5 minutes before I decided that my half-hearted attempt at being a baker was just not worth it. 

Who Robs Banks?!

Dear Blog Readers,

Luke didn’t want me to blog about this, I’m pretty sure, but my life is totally devoid of interest right now, and I wasn’t about to let this event pass by undocumented and unshared. It was one of those things that will go down in the Luke & Marlee Bangerter family, and probably get more and more ridiculous with each retelling, though it’s a pretty good story on its own.

On Friday, Luke was at work until 5 and I decided to go visit him at about 4, since I was close by at Natalie’s house. He works at a bank in Lehi, and has for the past year, waiting for the real job. But when I pulled up to the bank, there were about a zillion cop cars surrounding it and people loitering around. I was totally confused, but parked nearby and grabbed Ivy and headed over. Through the glass entrance, one of Luke’s coworkers told me that the bank was closed. I had never met her, but when I told her my husband was in there and asked what was going on, she bit her lip and said quietly, “We got robbed.” WHAT?! Who robs banks?! How come in all this time of Luke working at a bank, I had never considered this to be a possibility?

I told her to have him call me as soon as possible, she told me I had a cute baby, and I headed home. GUYS. I was kind of freaking out. I mean, I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t be like, “Oh, your baby is so cute! Sorry, your husband is dead in here!” but still. You never know. I tried to be reasonable all the way home, but it wasn’t until I got a text from Luke that I really calmed down. Kind of.

His text said that he was okay, but when I pressed him for details, he said “The guy walked in, handed me a note, and I gave him the cash. Then he walked out.” WHAAAAT? I was stunned to learn that Luke had been the actual teller that had been approached. Not only that, but subsequent texts revealed that he had a gun-shaped object in his hoodie pocket that he pointed at Luke while he was getting the cash. The idea that someone held a gun or else a scarf in a gun-shape to my husband made my knees feel weak.

When I got home, I made a double batch of these delicious snickerdoodle cookies and waited. I think it was some kind of stress-relief thing, the baking and the eating of said cookies. Luke had to go to the police station and give a statement, and while we had plans to go to Park City that night, I decided to play it by ear. I’m sure that I would be a nervous wreck crazy person if that happened to me, but Luke is pretty even-keeled. Sure enough, when he came home, he was just fine and totally cool with sticking to all our plans. I was so, so happy to see him and glad that he was all right and that the police had apparently already caught the horrible cretin who had ROBBED A BANK. Seriously, I can’t get over that. Who? I ask you. Who does that?

So, my weekend was awesome. I’m not even being sarcastic. My husband didn’t die, we spent a wonderful night and morning in Park City, did lots of festive things at Thanksgiving Point, slept through church (we went to a 1:00 meeting, don’t worry) and then had Natalie’s family and Mikelle and Jeff over for dinner on Sunday.

Overall, I'm just happy that Luke is my husband and that he didn't die. I find myself just hugging him for no reason and laying in bed, long after he wants to be asleep, making him listen to reasons why I think he is the best. 

6 Things I Want

Let me start out this post by saying that Luke and I are incredibly fortunate people. We have this cool baby, we're both done with college, we have awesome families, and own the Law & Order detective game. But wayyyyyy back in November, we found out that Luke would start a job in San Antonio with a military intelligence program, pending a security clearance. That was 10 months ago. I was still working at the time, so we planned to save a bunch of money and just wait patiently.We keep recalculating our timetable and making tentative plans, and the days keep coming and going.

Some things are unexpected blessings, like being here for the birth of my niece, Jane, and on my birthday, no less! And some things are just stupid. Like using up all of our savings. But luckily, Luke's parents are super generous and are letting us move in with them. So that is what we are doing. In just about two weeks. 

SO. I have been thinking today about all the things I have been mentally saving up to do when we finally hear that Luke has been cleared to start work and we are settled into our new place. 

1. Get my hair done. It's terrible. I dyed it a kind of dark blonde a while ago and that's not too bad, but I have all sorts of split ends and it's at that gross stage where it's too long to be short and cute and too short to be anything legitimate, so it's always in a ponytail. I think I will try growing it out, but I need some help with the color. My friend, Amanda, has the best hair. I should schedule a consultation. 

2. Sign up for Birchbox. One of my Facebook friends just posted a picture of one of these delightful things on her wall, and I went into a frenzy of self pity and excitement. I asked Luke if I could do it, and he said of course, so I am planning on signing up just as soon as all this silly job stuff is sorted out. 

3. Get a new set of scriptures. Mine have my old name on them, and all my EFY notes written in them. As in, on the pages. As in, I don't want to look at all those crappy sports metaphors every time I'm studying. And my Bible dictionary is all stuck together. I tear pages every time I need to find some obscure information in there. 

4. Make all the foods on Gojee. That site is the worst/best. You can tell it what foods you crave, what ingredients you have, and which ingredients you dislike, and it shows you extremely large, high quality pictures of amazing food. I feel like I have to be more conservative these days, since I have never seen a recipe on there that wouldn't require me to buy lots of obscure items, and also, Luke isn't picky, so there's no rush. 

5. Buy a crib. It's a little embarrassing, but Ivy is sleeping in a pack and play with a bassinet attachment. We were planning on getting a crib when we moved, which we assumed would be sooner, and Ivy is really too big to sleep in the bassinet. She's a good sleeper, and it's not exactly an emergency, but I'd like to get her a real crib soonish. 

6. Get a pedicure. That last time I got one of these, the lady cut my toe! It was terrible. And she also rubbed the little scrubby thing on the top of my feet, as well as the bottom, and that was really painful, too. I need a new experience. 

So that's it. I'm a terribly spoiled girl, but that is my list. If there's anything else that I am unaware of deserving, please let me know. 

IvyMeLuke. Mostly Ivy.

Most of the time, I have a general idea what I am going to write about before I start a blog post. Not today. I have no idea what the title of this post will be. That's usually how it was with the papers I wrote in college too, and those turned out okay most of the time.

I realized a few days ago that for the past 7 months, I have written exactly one blog post a month. Last year, I was way more dedicated, but then again, last year, I wasn't being stared at by a beautiful baby, like I am right now. I don't know if that sentence is grammatically okay. But still.

I've been watching crime shows lately, of all varieties, and it has seriously started to make me a nervous wreck. Today, a nice man came over to fix the brakes on our car. That's right. He came to my house and fixed the car so I could stay home and watch crime shows. But then I was all like, "Oh geez. He's obviously here to murder me and Ivy and I'll have to write his name on the wall in my own blood to help the CSI people solve my murder." But he was totally nice and did no such thing. Which is good, because I don't even know his name. Maybe I'd write "BRAKES" on the wall. Yeah. That's what I'd do.

I was talking to some of my friends about how much freakier life is now that I have a baby, and they all agreed. I thought that having a little buddy would make it nicer to be home alone but it makes all my concerns more vivid and it makes me feel much more vulnerable. Before Ivy, the worst thing that could happen to me wasn't really so bad - torture, death, whatever. But someone taking her away or hurting her is a thought that keeps me up at night. I feel like such a paranoid maniac when I go down that path, but we've all been there, right? Guys?

Since last we spoke, my little family went on a camping trip, which involved driving 10 minutes from our house and camping 10 feet from a fully functional bathroom, but I liked it a lot. Ivy did great. We set up her pack and play outside while we got the fire going and she fell asleep in it. She never does that!

I made tin foil dinners and they turned out perfectly. I had serious doubts about them, since most recipes I found online were all like "use canned everything or you will catch salmonella and die and be a bad wife" but I just used ground beef, carrots, onions, and mushrooms, with lots of seasoning, and cooked them until I was sure they were ashes, and they were great. I want to try more variations.

In other news, we got Ivy a Bumbo chair, which she is currently using, and she loves it. She's a little small for it, so sometimes she gets stuck - all slumped off to the side or the front, but I love planting her on the kitchen or bathroom counter while I'm doing stuff and talking to her. You can tell she's an excellent listener.

My aunt made that little doll for her and the matching blanket, which you can see in the first picture. She loves that doll and I love that she does.

This past Monday, we went to Thanksgiving Point with Luke's mom and siblings and nieces and nephews. Babies are so lame at places like that, but maybe that will make it even more awesome when she actually appreciates these things. And doesn't scream when I put her in her carseat. That would also be awesome.

And this is Ivy today. She was so wiggly and cute this morning, I tried to take her picture for ages, but they were all blurry. So be it.

Thanks for reading all that. You are the best. We are still waiting to hear back on Luke's security clearance, and are thinking about moving in with his parents at the end of the summer to save some money before the move. Hopefully we know more by then. Also, I turn 24 in a week! I'll catch you all in August. :)