On The Horizon

Finally, finally, and finally we are moving. Within the next three weeks, the movers will come and take our stuff, Luke will go to Maryland and learn what the heck this job is, and we will drive down to San Antonio and find a non-scary place to live within a reasonable amount of time. Hours, I hope.

We found out we were moving before Ivy was born, and now she's a little lady that sits up in the tub all by herself. Practically grown up! I know I haven't been blogging much, and part of that is because it's hard to keep beating the stay positive drum when you are waiting and waiting for your life to start. Which is I think why my Facebook posts have all been very snarky lately. I don't hate people who think mustaches are (still) cool. Nor do I hate people who are grateful for stuff. I'm incredibly grateful for stuff.

I'm grateful for patience. The best things in my life have made me crazy with waiting. I think of all the ins and outs that led me to Luke, the 9 months of obsessive anticipation that resulted in Ivy, and now the year of days that mostly ended with some variation of "I'm sure we'll hear something soon" that is finally concluding with a job.

I'm grateful for the sanding and polishing effect that marriage has had on me. It hasn't been hard. But Luke is the river to my rock, slowly carrying away little pieces of my stubbornness and selfishness, and I find myself emerging, just shy of 17 months of marriage, smoother, brighter, and totally content. I'd always thought that marriage would be a rough ride since I can be demanding and high maintenance, but Luke's generous and guileless nature disarmed me completely. His willingness to always put me first makes me see how much my rebelliousness was borne of insecurity - a real lack of belief that love could be unconditional.

I'm grateful for the stretch marks and permanently widened hips of pregnancy. Not because I look at those things and think "Mommy loves you, Ivy" (I don't think I will ever have an inner dialogue where I address myself as "Mommy), but because having a baby has granted me a glimpse into something bigger. Something that transcends my body and even transcends Ivy. A life that doesn't embrace the sacrifice of all things is not worth living, and I will never apologize for what I sacrificed, and I would do it again.

I am truly, truly grateful.

Just Awkward

Luke and I, at the urging of his parents, decided to get some family pictures taken before we head to Texas. JC Penney was doing this promotion where you don't have to pay sitting fees and you get a free 8 by 10 for family pictures. So I made an appointment and bought some purple skinny pants and tried to get some coordination going on and we headed to the portrait studio.

In today's world, everyone knows someone who is handy with a camera, willing - even eager - to snap a few pictures for you at little or no cost. Hence the general vibe of engagement, wedding, and family pictures has been more natural - generally outdoors, lots of candid shots, and plenty of options to choose from. My own wedding was done this way, and I was totally thrilled with it. Chad Keyes, who was more of a friend of a friend at the time, did such a perfect job.

AHHHH. Maybe that's why this contrived, drab, uncomfortable little photo shoot was and has since been the point of much groaning and laughter by Luke and myself. In the days following, Luke has only to say, "Remember those pictures?" and I just moan or laugh or pull them up on my computer for just one more painfully hilarious journey though each and every staged and strained image. I received an email today letting me know that the free 8 by 10 we ordered is available for pick-up. No thanks. Just...no.

If you want to see for yourself, I'll email you an invite to the exclusive viewing club. For the rest of you, I am getting Chad to take new and improved family pictures next week, and I have high hopes. He is the best.

Other news: The movers are coming in 19 days and we are officially leaving this state in less than a month. Ivy hates her carseat more than you hate anything, but we are going to try to make a vacation out of the 4 day drive to San Antonio.

I bought my ticket to Spokane for Christmas. "For Christmas" is a general term, however, because to get the best price (and it was a great price) I had to book a flight that arrives December 18th and one that returns January 7th. I am going to be in Spokane for 3 weeks! A week after our move!

Now here's some pictures of Ivy/St. Ives/Crazy Ivan.

 She loves garbage cans. I feel like she loves anything that is not a toy.

 Halloween! (and, let's be honest, she's going to wear this on Christmas, too)

 This was shortly before she put the cat's ear in her mouth.

Luke wearing his dad's old suit, Ivy being a cookie, and me carrying around a rolling pin for like 5 minutes before I decided that my half-hearted attempt at being a baker was just not worth it. 

Who Robs Banks?!

Dear Blog Readers,

Luke didn’t want me to blog about this, I’m pretty sure, but my life is totally devoid of interest right now, and I wasn’t about to let this event pass by undocumented and unshared. It was one of those things that will go down in the Luke & Marlee Bangerter family, and probably get more and more ridiculous with each retelling, though it’s a pretty good story on its own.

On Friday, Luke was at work until 5 and I decided to go visit him at about 4, since I was close by at Natalie’s house. He works at a bank in Lehi, and has for the past year, waiting for the real job. But when I pulled up to the bank, there were about a zillion cop cars surrounding it and people loitering around. I was totally confused, but parked nearby and grabbed Ivy and headed over. Through the glass entrance, one of Luke’s coworkers told me that the bank was closed. I had never met her, but when I told her my husband was in there and asked what was going on, she bit her lip and said quietly, “We got robbed.” WHAT?! Who robs banks?! How come in all this time of Luke working at a bank, I had never considered this to be a possibility?

I told her to have him call me as soon as possible, she told me I had a cute baby, and I headed home. GUYS. I was kind of freaking out. I mean, I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t be like, “Oh, your baby is so cute! Sorry, your husband is dead in here!” but still. You never know. I tried to be reasonable all the way home, but it wasn’t until I got a text from Luke that I really calmed down. Kind of.

His text said that he was okay, but when I pressed him for details, he said “The guy walked in, handed me a note, and I gave him the cash. Then he walked out.” WHAAAAT? I was stunned to learn that Luke had been the actual teller that had been approached. Not only that, but subsequent texts revealed that he had a gun-shaped object in his hoodie pocket that he pointed at Luke while he was getting the cash. The idea that someone held a gun or else a scarf in a gun-shape to my husband made my knees feel weak.

When I got home, I made a double batch of these delicious snickerdoodle cookies and waited. I think it was some kind of stress-relief thing, the baking and the eating of said cookies. Luke had to go to the police station and give a statement, and while we had plans to go to Park City that night, I decided to play it by ear. I’m sure that I would be a nervous wreck crazy person if that happened to me, but Luke is pretty even-keeled. Sure enough, when he came home, he was just fine and totally cool with sticking to all our plans. I was so, so happy to see him and glad that he was all right and that the police had apparently already caught the horrible cretin who had ROBBED A BANK. Seriously, I can’t get over that. Who? I ask you. Who does that?

So, my weekend was awesome. I’m not even being sarcastic. My husband didn’t die, we spent a wonderful night and morning in Park City, did lots of festive things at Thanksgiving Point, slept through church (we went to a 1:00 meeting, don’t worry) and then had Natalie’s family and Mikelle and Jeff over for dinner on Sunday.

Overall, I'm just happy that Luke is my husband and that he didn't die. I find myself just hugging him for no reason and laying in bed, long after he wants to be asleep, making him listen to reasons why I think he is the best. 

6 Things I Want

Let me start out this post by saying that Luke and I are incredibly fortunate people. We have this cool baby, we're both done with college, we have awesome families, and own the Law & Order detective game. But wayyyyyy back in November, we found out that Luke would start a job in San Antonio with a military intelligence program, pending a security clearance. That was 10 months ago. I was still working at the time, so we planned to save a bunch of money and just wait patiently.We keep recalculating our timetable and making tentative plans, and the days keep coming and going.

Some things are unexpected blessings, like being here for the birth of my niece, Jane, and on my birthday, no less! And some things are just stupid. Like using up all of our savings. But luckily, Luke's parents are super generous and are letting us move in with them. So that is what we are doing. In just about two weeks. 

SO. I have been thinking today about all the things I have been mentally saving up to do when we finally hear that Luke has been cleared to start work and we are settled into our new place. 

1. Get my hair done. It's terrible. I dyed it a kind of dark blonde a while ago and that's not too bad, but I have all sorts of split ends and it's at that gross stage where it's too long to be short and cute and too short to be anything legitimate, so it's always in a ponytail. I think I will try growing it out, but I need some help with the color. My friend, Amanda, has the best hair. I should schedule a consultation. 

2. Sign up for Birchbox. One of my Facebook friends just posted a picture of one of these delightful things on her wall, and I went into a frenzy of self pity and excitement. I asked Luke if I could do it, and he said of course, so I am planning on signing up just as soon as all this silly job stuff is sorted out. 

3. Get a new set of scriptures. Mine have my old name on them, and all my EFY notes written in them. As in, on the pages. As in, I don't want to look at all those crappy sports metaphors every time I'm studying. And my Bible dictionary is all stuck together. I tear pages every time I need to find some obscure information in there. 

4. Make all the foods on Gojee. That site is the worst/best. You can tell it what foods you crave, what ingredients you have, and which ingredients you dislike, and it shows you extremely large, high quality pictures of amazing food. I feel like I have to be more conservative these days, since I have never seen a recipe on there that wouldn't require me to buy lots of obscure items, and also, Luke isn't picky, so there's no rush. 

5. Buy a crib. It's a little embarrassing, but Ivy is sleeping in a pack and play with a bassinet attachment. We were planning on getting a crib when we moved, which we assumed would be sooner, and Ivy is really too big to sleep in the bassinet. She's a good sleeper, and it's not exactly an emergency, but I'd like to get her a real crib soonish. 

6. Get a pedicure. That last time I got one of these, the lady cut my toe! It was terrible. And she also rubbed the little scrubby thing on the top of my feet, as well as the bottom, and that was really painful, too. I need a new experience. 

So that's it. I'm a terribly spoiled girl, but that is my list. If there's anything else that I am unaware of deserving, please let me know. 

IvyMeLuke. Mostly Ivy.

Most of the time, I have a general idea what I am going to write about before I start a blog post. Not today. I have no idea what the title of this post will be. That's usually how it was with the papers I wrote in college too, and those turned out okay most of the time.

I realized a few days ago that for the past 7 months, I have written exactly one blog post a month. Last year, I was way more dedicated, but then again, last year, I wasn't being stared at by a beautiful baby, like I am right now. I don't know if that sentence is grammatically okay. But still.

I've been watching crime shows lately, of all varieties, and it has seriously started to make me a nervous wreck. Today, a nice man came over to fix the brakes on our car. That's right. He came to my house and fixed the car so I could stay home and watch crime shows. But then I was all like, "Oh geez. He's obviously here to murder me and Ivy and I'll have to write his name on the wall in my own blood to help the CSI people solve my murder." But he was totally nice and did no such thing. Which is good, because I don't even know his name. Maybe I'd write "BRAKES" on the wall. Yeah. That's what I'd do.

I was talking to some of my friends about how much freakier life is now that I have a baby, and they all agreed. I thought that having a little buddy would make it nicer to be home alone but it makes all my concerns more vivid and it makes me feel much more vulnerable. Before Ivy, the worst thing that could happen to me wasn't really so bad - torture, death, whatever. But someone taking her away or hurting her is a thought that keeps me up at night. I feel like such a paranoid maniac when I go down that path, but we've all been there, right? Guys?

Since last we spoke, my little family went on a camping trip, which involved driving 10 minutes from our house and camping 10 feet from a fully functional bathroom, but I liked it a lot. Ivy did great. We set up her pack and play outside while we got the fire going and she fell asleep in it. She never does that!

I made tin foil dinners and they turned out perfectly. I had serious doubts about them, since most recipes I found online were all like "use canned everything or you will catch salmonella and die and be a bad wife" but I just used ground beef, carrots, onions, and mushrooms, with lots of seasoning, and cooked them until I was sure they were ashes, and they were great. I want to try more variations.

In other news, we got Ivy a Bumbo chair, which she is currently using, and she loves it. She's a little small for it, so sometimes she gets stuck - all slumped off to the side or the front, but I love planting her on the kitchen or bathroom counter while I'm doing stuff and talking to her. You can tell she's an excellent listener.

My aunt made that little doll for her and the matching blanket, which you can see in the first picture. She loves that doll and I love that she does.

This past Monday, we went to Thanksgiving Point with Luke's mom and siblings and nieces and nephews. Babies are so lame at places like that, but maybe that will make it even more awesome when she actually appreciates these things. And doesn't scream when I put her in her carseat. That would also be awesome.

And this is Ivy today. She was so wiggly and cute this morning, I tried to take her picture for ages, but they were all blurry. So be it.

Thanks for reading all that. You are the best. We are still waiting to hear back on Luke's security clearance, and are thinking about moving in with his parents at the end of the summer to save some money before the move. Hopefully we know more by then. Also, I turn 24 in a week! I'll catch you all in August. :)

One Year and Washington Happenings

Dear Blog Readers,

Today is my one year anniversary. The reason that I am writing about it on my blog instead of filling my house with roses and romance is twofold; I am pretty sick with some kind of sinus thing, and Luke has the car. So here I am, pondering my year of marriage. One year ago, I was about to marry Luke. Less than a month later, I found out I was expecting a baby. It seems like all we talked about and thought about for the next 9 months was the baby, and now that she's here, she's always taken into consideration before every decision. It's difficult to think about my marriage to Luke without a little Ivy asterisk, at the very least, but that's my life, and I'm crazy about it.

Love is different for different people. Last night, Luke and I got home at like 1:30 AM from our family reunion in Washington. Ivy was SCREAMING the whole way home and I was so tired and ill and cranky. When we got home, I changed Ivy and fed her and got her to sleep and then went into the bathroom to find that Luke had brought in and dug through all the luggage to find my contact case and glasses and toothbrush. If you are a contacts wearer, you probably understand how terrible it is to be tired and headachey and just want to take those little devils out of your eyes and sleeeeeep. Luke is so 100% thoughtful all the time. He takes the mean baby, he changes the bad diaper, he helps me find my phone 5 times a day, and he gives me all the cash in his wallet for yard sales every weekend. You can't sum up a year in a paragraph, and devoting a whole post to my sappy feelings is not my style, but I love that man. Boy, do I.

Ivy and I headed up to Washington weeks and weeks ago. I was a little nervous about taking her on the plane by myself because sometimes babies cry for reasons that I don't know and usually when that happens, I feed her or give her to Luke and both of those things are easier to do when you are not on a plane surrounded by strangers with nary a husband in sight. But to my joy, Ivy did great.

This was the first flight, smiling like a dream.

On the second flight, this nice lady had her totally entranced. She was a grandma going to see her twin granddaughters, so I let her hold Ivy. Also we were 10,000 feet in the air, so where was she really going to take her?

Ivy met my dad, Seth, Brian, Marielle, and Peter for the first time. I loved seeing my dad with her. He is magical! He has so much genuine joy in his face when he holds her and talks to her and she seemed to love him too.

He declared her to be the cutest baby he'd ever seen, and I only pretended that the slight bothered me. I mean, look at those shiny, dark eyes and square face.

Ivy, all dolled up for church. And me, looking rather like a 14 year old.

My mom had a little bassinet all set up, but I just had Ivy on the bed with me until Luke arrived. It was much nicer than sleeping all alone.

A few days later, my sister-in-law, Nadine, came with all of her kids. I think Ivy and Julia are going to be best friends.

One funny/terrifying thing that Ivy learned to do during this time is pulling a blanket over her face. She isn't really too great at grabbing things, but if something happens to land in her palm, she loves it.

She sure likes it when I prevent her from smothering herself.

One of my favorite parts of the trip was an activity we did on Monday night for Family Night. Each adult was randomly paired up with a kid, and then we had to do some kind of fun thing for an hour.

I was lucky enough to get paired with Audrey, the oldest grandchild, and we made cookies.

Luke, who had arrived a few days before, was paired with Natalie's youngest boy, Adam. I think they mostly played with toys.

We spent the afternoon at Manito Park after picking up Nick at the airport, our numbers almost complete.

My nephew, Eric, picked these flowers for all of us to wear. Luke was a good sport. And hot. A hot sport.

My mom kissing Ivy goodbye. Well, probably she is just kissing her for fun, but this blog post needs to end sometime, right?

On Being Mom

I don't really have anything to say about motherhood that doesn't sound totally cliche. You know how you grow up and realize that the universe doesn't, in fact, revolve around you? For me, becoming a mom was like that all over again, only this time, I realized that my universe revolves around Ivy. On mornings like this one, I twiddle my thumbs and wait for her to wake up. Those little dark eyes, squinty from sleep, find mine and oh thank goodness.

This was the first Mother's Day where I got a flower at church and played Fruit Ninja in the mother's lounge. And those are huge milestones for me. But I also had moments of deep reflection as the occasion lended itself inward instead of outward for the first time ever. Luckily for me, I'm not too harsh of a critic. Ivy is getting chubbier, smiling oftener, and she looks at me like I am all that is good and right in her world. Perhaps future Mother's Days will come with more inner conflict, but this one was wonderful.

My once roommate Brittney came over yesterday and took dozens of pictures of Ivy and me and I loved seeing her. I'll admit, it's also really nice when someone is almost as obsessed with your baby as you are. Also, I want to note that even though I look super tired in all these pictures, it's just the lack of make-up. Ivy sleeps at least 6 hours at a time at night. I know. It's awesome.

Gallstones and One Month

This post is going to be a little bit disgusting. I want you all to know that you can feel free to stop reading any time. We'll start with the pleasantries: yesterday, Ivy celebrated her one month of being alive anniversary day. Luke kept calling it a birthday, which it's not, but I'm not sure what it is.
The truth is, we Bangerters (referring only to Luke and myself) are not too good at the whole "celebrating special days" thing. We just aren't. In Luke's case, he is the type of guy who would do anything for me any day of the year, so I can forgive him. In my case, I'm just lazy and forgetful. I guess we celebrated the one month day by giving Ivy a bath. Ivy is really iffy about baths. The first few, she screamed like we were murdering her, and though she's gotten more tolerant, she's still very wary. I heard somewhere that putting a washcloth on a baby's tummy will make them feel better, so we put washcloths all over her in the hope that she would feel absolutely overwhelmed with security and support.

I really love giving her baths. Sometimes I feel intimidated by this tiny little person, but then I put her in the tub and see her dark eyes darting around wildly and her scrawny arms and legs flailing and I remember that she needs me completely. The last few baths, she hasn't even cried. What a doll.

It just goes to show that if you chew hard enough on your fist, you can get through anything! So, I promise that this is the last time I will talk about my gallstones. BECAUSE THEY ARE GONE. More accurately, my gallbladder is gone, and since it housed gallstones, they are also no more. I went in early Friday morning and they made me wear one of those weird hairnet things and I think I got the best sleep I've had in months. When I woke up, I had 4 tiny little holes in my abdomen and pictures of my gallbladder. Ivy did great during the whole thing. She slept a bunch and Luke and I basically passed out for hours and the nurses went crazy over her. I asked the doctor if I could look at my gallbladder, and he said that I could just look at pictures. I was planning on asking him if I could HAVE my gallbladder, so I'm glad I didn't. Do you want to see the pictures? They are gross!

That white thing is my gallbladder! How NASTY is that? It gets worse.

That is my gallbladder all splayed out and opened up, and those are GALLSTONES! Those horrible little demons caused me the worst pain of my life, and I wish I could have them so I could smash them with a hammer. But I suppose it's enough that they are rotting away in some surgeons garbage can right now. Maybe. A few weeks ago, we took Ivy to church for the first time and she was blessed. She wore the same blessing dress that I wore, back in the day, and I probably hated wearing it just as much as she did. She cried during the whole thing. Oh well. I love my contrary little imp.

Ivy Jane Bangerter

Before I had my baby, I was all like "Oh, I'm going to blog about it the next day, because I hate waiting for people to blog about their birth stories and post pictures and all that..." For all of you who have had babies since I started stalking blogs, I swear that the resentment was borne of love. I was just excited! But now I understand.

Even now, 6 days later, I am still having a hard time sitting down and doing this. Not because I'm so exhausted or because I need my free time to take showers or because I'm in such dreadful pain, but because she is growing RIGHT NOW and it kills me not to just be holding her. But I can do it because Luke is here, taking a little nap with her on the bed, so her tinyness is being savored and I can spare a few minutes.

So, here is the story of Ivy Jane Bangerter's birth. It's not too graphic or anything, but if it's not your thing (because it's totally my thing) you can scroll down to the pictures. But - let's be honest - if looking at baby pictures is your thing, then reading birth stories is probably your thing.

I went to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday at noon, and he said that I could be induced on Friday morning. I was pretty happy about that because remember that wretched evening I had a few months back? Well, I had been having those all the time and was worried that they would send me into labor - in total pain already and exhausted. So I was happy that they would induce me. But I was also a little sad that after 9 months, I wouldn't get to have that "going into labor" experience where I grab my stomach and say "Luke...it's time!" I was excited...but still.

So I went back to work and declared that it would be my last day and made plans for Thursday. I would go to Aveda and get my roots done! I would clean up my apartment and make some meals and freeze them. I would plan a fun date for Luke and I and try to get to sleep to await my 5 AM appointment with pitocen and an epidural. Luke was thrilled. I guess he was a little less sentimental about the whole thing, and just wanted to know that he wouldn't have to deliver our baby if I somehow went into turbo-labor and yeah, he's no fun at all.

However, that night, at about 2 AM, I started having cramps that seemed to happen every 5-6 minutes. I promptly downloaded a contraction-counting app (Yeah! Modern labor!) and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. "I will not be one of those girls who goes in to the hospital and gets sent home!" I mentally declared, and then audibly declared when Luke woke up and started to worry. So I killed time by taking a bath, watching an episode of Psych, and letting Luke pack the bags. At 6 AM, I finally said we could go to the hospital.

All right, so the whole time - putting on a gown, getting all hooked up to monitors, laying there for an hour watching my contractions quantified on a screen - I was so anxious and certain that I would be sent home. I could just imagine the doctor coming in and saying "I said tomorrow and tomorrow it will be!" But that did not happen. The nurse came in and said "Are you ready to have this baby today?!" and you know what? I was.

They broke my water and gave me an epidural between 9 and 10, and it was just great. The contractions were getting pretty bad, especially after my water was broken, and I was getting very mean. Mostly to Luke, since he was around. But the epidural made me feel all warm (or was that my water leaking? Who knows?!) and happy and relaxed. I called my siblings and texted my friends and just thought about how terribly exciting it all was. Luke slept on the little bed/couch thing and I was happy that he was sleeping.

I sat like that for hours, and they would check on me and I was progressing beautifully, albeit slowly, but I never needed pitocen. At about 4, they said it was time to start pushing, and at 4:25, she arrived. For reals! 20 minutes later! It was completely unreal. I would push and they would tell me I was doing great and I really felt like nothing was happening. I could feel pressure, especially during a contraction, but I didn't feel like I was getting any closer to having a baby. But then...there she was! All weirdy looking and squirming and not crying and I could not believe it!

The recovery so far has been great. The hospital staff was phenomenal. Being home is perfect. And being a mother is the most fulfilling thing in the world. Especially when your baby is so nice and so soft. I wish I had words. Maybe I will have some later. Now you can look at some pictures. And come see us!

Ivy Jane Bangerter - 6 pounds 12 ounces, 19 inches long.

The Aunties (like 2 hours post-birth)

I took a shower at the hospital, and when I got out, Luke had taken like 10 pictures of Ivy. This is one of them.

Ahhh...look at my exhausted little family!

This is the same little pink, fluffy thing I wore home from the hospital. She was swimming in it, but we tried.

These pictures are really in no particular order, so I'm sorry. Ivy just woke up and I need to feed her and love her and look at those big dark eyes for a few short hours.