Having a baby about 9 months after I got married was a humbling experience for me. Having lived much of my teenage years striving to prove my autonomy and difference from my family, here I was, having a baby right off. For those of you who don't know, I am the 5th of 11 children. I love my family, but I was always a little unsure about how my own family planning would go. What if I was still in college when I got married? What if my husband wanted to do grad school? I knew I wanted kids and probably lots of kids, but if I wasn't ready when I got married, how long would I wait?
So between the jokes about our "honeymoon baby" and sleepless nights of wondering what on earth I was doing, we anticipated Ivy. Well, not exactly. We anticipated a squalling newborn who would rob us of our sleep and intimacy and force us to become acquainted with all sorts of bodily functions in a new, gross way. My insecurity lessened pretty much by necessity. People understand that pregnancy comes with all sorts of ups and downs.
When our scrawny, rootbeer-eyed baby was born, what did we think? We were scared. We were anxious. And we really, really liked her. But newborns are strange, marsupial-like things that are so sweet and soft, but they actually warrant much of the stress that anticipates them. Ivy now is much more manageable. Some people just love the newborn stage, but to me, Ivy just gets better and better. As of yet, I haven't really had many "why can't they stay little?!" moments. Maybe because Ivy has always been too little.
Luke and I talked about what it might be like to have another baby, the initial moment. Some of my friends have said that it's better the second time around - that you kind of skip past much of the anxiety of the newness of it all and get straight to the good part. That is, enjoying the baby and bonding and all of that. I'm curious to know about the experiences of others who have had more than one. But I can tell you that I am much less crazy this time around. I feel calm and excited (and exhausted and heart-burned and all those non-lovely things that people feel when they are 37 weeks pregnant) and I want to meet her.
All of that insecurity I felt when I found out I was pregnant with our first and second babies in fairly rapid succession is gone. I was worried that other people might think that I was going into motherhood without fully considering my other options, that I was following some sort of Mormon dogma that mandated swift and efficient child production, or that I might not even know what birth control is. The truth that I know is that I am happy. No job that I have ever had, no class I have ever taken, no trip or concert or purchase has ever made me feel so fulfilled. Not even my pre-baby marriage with Luke, wonderful as it was, compares to what we have created. And while I recognize that motherhood doesn't make everyone feel this way, I am secure because this is the way it makes me feel.
How many kids will we have? Will they all be so close in age? Will they all be named Ivy?! These questions and many more will be answered in the years to come, so stay tuned!
Odds are, with my spotty blogging record, the next post will be a kick-A birth story! That's right, I said it. I do what I want. I can't wait.
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